Speaking Your Truth

I think in many ways the eating aspects of being vegan are a breeze, but dealing with the social aspects can be a little challenging. Most of us have been brainwashed into believing we need to consume animal products, so the burden remains on the vegetarian to justify his or her eating habits, and I think this is why many people shy away from vegetarianism – they’re afraid to appear different or they don’t want to call attention to themselves or don’t want the “hassle” of asking for what they want or they’re just lazy. But despite their own ethics or health concerns or whatever compels someone to stop eating animals and their secretions, many people continue to do so for fear of “being different.”

It reminds me of an old Arabic folktale about a witch who visits a kingdom one night and poisons the central well with seven drops of a potion that drives people mad. The next morning all who drink from that well go crazy. The king, however, knew about this in advance and, like all self-respecting kings with their own water source, didn't drink from the communal well. The next day, those who drank the poisoned water came to the king and accused him of being the crazy one. The king, aware of what had transpired, was faced with a dilemma: drink from the well and lose his sanity like the rest of his subjects, but remain king; or don't drink, remain sane, but be swept from power by those who would view his very sanity as madness.

Though the stakes may not seem as high as those in this story, I think they feel that way to many people. Though they may not lose their kingdom, many people are afraid of losing their social status, friends, or comfort level, and all of those may be valued as high to an ordinary citizen as a kingdom is to a king. Those of us who make the choice to be vegetarian may grapple with this each time we go out to eat with non-vegetarian friends or who accept an invitation to a dinner party hosted by a non-vegetarian. You may face it at work when your company orders lunch for everyone or at a business dinner when you don’t choose the restaurant. You may feel this if you’re vegan and your spouse is not – dealing with holidays or on a much larger scale – deciding how to raise your future children.

PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCEI’ve heard some people say that they’re not vegetarian (or are only sometimes) because when they go to dinner at friends’ houses or at their in-laws’ or just out to dinner with non-vegetarian friends, they don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and they don’t want to appear difficult. Those who fall into this category very willingly take the Path of Least Resistance.

Truth be told, I’ve never been much of a conformist. I’ve always questioned the customs or habits or rules of the status quo and have never done something just because everyone else did it. In fact, if something becomes very popular, I’m actually wary of it. But that’s not to say I simply do things just for the sake of being different either. It probably appears to some as if I do – because I often swim against the current, but that’s just because there’s an awful lot of people drinking from that poisoned well! There are a lot of things I have opinions about, and what’s the use of taking a position if I didn’t manifest those opinions or beliefs in my behavior?

Of course sometimes it would be easier to just conform, blend in, look like everyone else, sound like everyone else, but at what cost? At the cost of my own values? That’s a pretty high cost, in my opinion. This is not to say that you have to rock the boat constantly, but everyone who knows me or meets me knows where I stand on certain things – certain things I don’t compromise on – namely my belief that animals are here for their own sake and not for my pleasure. That’s not something I have to apologize for. That’s not something that changes according to who invites me to dinner or who can handle it and who it makes uncomfortable.

And if you think about it, it would be pretty self-centered of me to try and control other people’s reactions – being afraid for telling someone I don’t eat animals because it might make them uncomfortable. Who am I to guess what someone’s reaction is going to be? Who am I to protect someone from the very thing that might open up their own repressed feelings about animals? Who am I to deny someone the chance to show me they care about my feelings and ethical beliefs? I mean, I’ve never seen people at their most beautiful and vulnerable than when they learn I’m vegetarian and either begin sharing their own stories and feelings or when they go out of their way to accommodate me. That’s their choice, and I always appreciate it.

I think we don’t give people the benefit of the doubt enough. I think we underestimate our friends and family, and as long as we think we’re “protecting them” from any discomfort, we’re not only denying our own ethics and perpetuating the socially sanctioned abuse of animals, we’re also – potentially – denying other people their own transformation. Because how else does this occur than through honest interaction and communication with others?

On that same note, I think it’s important in all our relationships to know where we begin and another person ends. What a mess I’d be if my behavior was determined by how it would make other people react. In other words, if my veganism does make someone uncomfortable, that’s not mine. Whatever someone does with my values isn’t mine to worry about. Now again, I’m not saying that we be selfish or rude or ungracious. But what I am saying is that we need to speak our truth without being attached to what our truth will do to other people, without being self-effacing. I just don’t see why we think someone else’s comfort level is more important than our own principles – and our own desire for a satisfying dinner.

EMBARRASSED ABOUT ETHICS?When I became vegan – or as I like to say “when I woke up”- I felt so liberated. We all say we want to make a difference. We all say we want to leave our mark on this world. We all say we want to do something meaningful, live a meaningful life, help others, effect change, contribute something important. I do think people mean it when they say it, but I wonder sometimes if this all means as much to them as not appearing different. We all say we want to make a difference, but in order to do so, we have to do something different. Which means we may appear different. What’s that quote? “Well-behaved women seldom make history." (Men, too.) The point is it’s only people willing to assert their individuality, their personal beliefs who actually make a difference. It’s easy to go along with the status quo, but is it what we really want? And the best part about this issue is you don’t have to become an animal activist to help animals. You just have to stop eating them. A pretty simple, selfless act.

We also tend to think in extremes, and I think people believe that if you speak up for what you want, you’re going to be a social outcast. It’s not true at all. We absolutely underestimate friends and family in this area. We even underestimate strangers. Yes, our being vegetarian or vegan might make someone uncomfortable, but that’s because most people don’t meet other people willing to stand up for what they believe in! Imagine if we all raised our expectations of each other. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in a world where you’re surprised by someone who believes something but doesn’t act accordingly? "So, you care about animals and you keep eating them? I don’t understand! How can that be?" Wouldn’t that be great? To live in a world where people truly embrace values of compassion and nonviolence and kindness without feeling ashamed or embarrassed? And to be honest, people admire it. They might be afraid of it, but they admire the courage it takes to go against the grain.

So, don’t drink from the poisoned well. Stay sane. Stay true. Because if you won't stand up for what you believe in, you might as well have no opinion at all.